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ANGER AND CONTROL ISSUES - USING EMPATHY TO REDUCE ANGER HELPS PARENT AND CHILD

By Christopher J. Alexander, PhD


Children who are adopted certainly don't have a monopoly on anger as an emotion. It is quite common, though, for this group of children to manifest anger in ways that can appear excessive, confusing, and threatening. While most children will protest if they are bothered or angered by something they don't like, it sometimes seems as if the anger expressed by adopted children is in excess of what we believe is called for at the time. This can include having an explosive outburst to seemingly minor things, such as not getting one's way, a parent arriving late, a casual remark, or an innocent touch.

Adoption specialists point out that adoptees often feel anger in response to being given away by birth parents, feeling like second class citizens, and feeling unworthy of having anything good happen to them. We must also stay mindful of the fact that many adoptees come from backgrounds where there is a family history of poor impulse control, psychiatric disorders, substance abuse, or other factors that can contribute to a poor modulation of emotions. Thus, when the child is angry, he may have little recognition or control over how intense his response is. Also, children who grew up in violent or chaotic environments had aggression and rage modeled for them and they quickly learn that it is an effective way of getting attention and perhaps even getting one's needs met.

As parents, we must always strike a balance between understanding possible causes of our children's rage, while taking care not to enter into power struggles or do things to harm or shame the child. This is incredibly difficult, as children are highly skilled at being able to identify and push our buttons! It is inevitable that children will make us angry.

 

The materials for this course have been reprinted with permission from the book Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox Building Connections, edited by Jean MacLeod and Sheena Macrae Copyright 2006 EMK Press, all rights reserved. The complete 520 page book covering all aspects of becoming and being an adoptive family is available at Amazon.com.

 

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